Confide in me
by Sapphire1112
Summary: Set when Ruth collapses at the surgeon's dinner and after. Some events the same - some are different. Rating will probably go up in later chapters. warning - miscarriage. I do not own the characters.
1. Chapter 1

_I couldn't do it_ – I couldn't do that to our baby and I couldn't do it to Jay, but I'm still terrified that it might scare him away. I know that Jay will _always_ do the right thing, but we haven't been together that long and I'm afraid that this is _too much – too soon_. I'm not sure that he will want _me_ when he finds out – and _why should he?_ What kind of _mother_ will I be anyway? Certainly not a good one. But I _want_ this baby and I want Jay, so I throw the pill away.

I feel ill before I even arrive at the venue and it doesn't help that Jay and I argued before I left the hospital. I told him I didn't want him to come to the surgeon's dinner. _I do_ , but I _can't stand_ the way Sarah Evans looks down her nose at him. It makes me want to lash out at her – scream and yell at her that she has _no right_ to belittle him. _I mean who does she think she is?!_ It makes me _so_ angry, but this dinner is an important occasion and I need to be on my best behaviour. I want Jay there with me more than anything, but if he's there and Sarah Evans _dares_ to deprecate him, I don't trust myself to stay in control of my anger. I've worked too hard for this and when Jay realises what an awful person I am, my job will be the _only_ thing I have left, so I _have_ to stay in control. _At all times._

So the truth is that I feel ill _before_ I go to the dinner and during it, I just feel worse and worse. I'm a doctor – I should _know_ why, but I don't. Maybe it will go away if I try to ignore it – what ever _it_ is. Then I realise that Jay has turned up anyway – as a waiter and in my desperation not to lose control with Sarah, I lose it with Jay instead. _Jay_ \- t _he one person who might actually care._ I'm not going to lie, I'm angry with him for ignoring me when I told him _not_ to come here, but it's more the fear of lashing out at my mentor and the consequences it would lead to – as well as the fact that I feel so ill.

Things get very blurry after that. I know that Jay and I had a _massive_ row – though I can't remember what was said - and I know that at _some point,_ Jay got thrown out. I remember suddenly feeling a _desperate_ need to escape – get away from everyone and I _think_ I ran past Jay on my way out of the room. _I remember hitting the floor._

The details become intermittent and even _vaguer_ after that. I hear Jay's voice next to me – desperate to look after me, followed by the witch ordering security to take him away and Jay''s anguished protests – _begging_ them to let him stay with me. My mind _screams_ his name, but it's hard enough to stay awake at the moment. There's another woman next to me now, she was at the dinner – a surgeon obviously. She's asking if I'm pregnant. I can hear Jay's voice again. I can't make out _what_ he says, but he sounds confused. I'm not in control of my own voice at the moment and the fear of Jay finding out what I _nearly_ did to our baby overwhelms me. When Dixie appears and places an oxygen mask over my face, I remove it again,

" _I don't want them to know."_ I beg.

I say _'them'_ because I don't know _where_ Jay is at the moment – since security hauled him away from my side. My concentration is _shot_ – I'm aware that there are loads of people around me, but I have no idea _which one_ is my boyfriend – if he's _still_ my boyfriend after our row. I can't remember how it ended. Anyway, he _should_ be next to me and they're not letting him. Dixie puts my mask back on and eventually, I'm lifted onto a stretcher. It suddenly occurs to me that despite throwing the abortion pill away, I'm _probably_ losing the baby anyway. I panicked when I discovered I was pregnant and I wished my baby away. I asked it to go away again in my head during dinner. Now I'm getting what I deserve – I want it now, but it's too late.

" _Jay, Jay."_ I mutter into the mask. _"Jay."_

I hear Dixie. "Jay – come here."

Then the witch again. "He can't. He's been told to _leave_."

"Ruth's _my_ patient and she's _asking for him._ " Dixie retorts sharply as I mutter his name again. I can hear the _disdain_ in Dixie's voice – she doesn't like Sarah Evans any more than I do.

The latter gives an irritated sigh and I wish I could laugh because Dixie has certainly put her in her place. Jay appears by my side as I'm wheeled into the ambulance – also accompanied by the surgeon. _Thankfully, Sarah Evans stays behind._

"I'm here." Jay whispers. "I'm _right_ here."

" _That woman!"_ Dixie exclaims loudly as she drives off. There's _no doubt_ who she's referring to.

I remember being terrified of my colleagues seeing me in such a _state_ as I'm wheeled into the ED – _particularly_ the F2s and I remember _hearing_ how distressed Jay sounded as Tess and Adam tried to keep him out the way, while I get assessed in resus. _His distress is the last thing I remember, before waking up after surgery._

The next thing I know, I've had the surgery and the surgeon-woman is sat next to my bed. Her name still escapes me. "The baby's _gone_ , hasn't it."

She nods and tells me I was _three hours_ on the table – which is pretty bad. Apparently, they had trouble _stopping_ the bleeding, so I lost a lot of blood. She asks me if there's anyone she can call – and I hesitate.

" _I want Jay._ " I mutter. " _But Sarah doesn't like him._ She said he's a _'distraction'_ and I'll lose my place on the team..." I trail off. I don't really know _who_ this woman is – should I really be telling her this? Probably not, but at the moment, _I don't really care._ I've _already_ embarrassed myself at the dinner. No one will want _anything_ to do with me now – and I imagine I'm off the team anyway.

"Jay? – the man who was at the dinner? He's the baby's father, I presume? He seems _sweet._ "

Jay _is_ sweet. I nod "He is."

"Ruth, can I give you some advice? Far be it for me to criticise another surgeon – _especially_ Sarah Evans, but I saw the way she _looked_ at Jay at the dinner. She's jealous. She's obviously never had anyone care about her the way he _clearly_ cares for you. If you want to see Jay – see him."

I mull her words over and over in my head. What should I do? _I want Jay_ – but then again, when has what _I_ wanted been important? _It doesn't really matter, does it._ Tess arrives to see me and she holds up a bag of books.

"It's from Jay," she tells me. "He _waited for you_ outside theatre. He was there _all night._ "

 _Why is he bothering_? He should have worked out by now that I'm not worth the trouble he's going to. He comes to see me later.

" _Were you pregnant?"_ He asks. When I nod, he sits on the bed next to me. "You don't have to do everything on your own."

I say that I'm tired and he promises to visit again me later. I lie for a while after he leaves, before falling asleep and when I wake up, I make a decision. I'm going to _tell_ Jay about Sarah Evans – and about _how much_ he means to me. I've never had anyone like him in my life before and he changes the way I see everything. _I'm going to tell him, but then the witch appears._

After 20 minutes of relentless lecturing and veiled threats, I lose my nerve, so when Jay visits me later, I push him away.

It's just as well – I don't _deserve him_ anyway. I don't deserve to be happy. _Jay does – and he'll find happiness with someone else._


	2. Chapter 2

Jay confronts me in the staff room a couple of days after I've come back to work. I've _more or less_ managed to avoid him up to now – other than in front of patients and he's _far_ too professional to call me up on it in front of them. Its understandably awkward and difficult working with Jay and _I have to get out._ I've avoided _speaking_ to him and _eye contact._ I don't want to see the hurt in his eyes – _or the anger._ I don't want to see how much he hates me.

 _But I can't avoid him now._

"Do you know the bit I don't understand, Ruth? The bit where you _asked for me_ when you collapsed – you _wanted_ me! And after surgery, when I visited you, you _wanted_ me then – I mean, you let me _hold your hand!_ " Jay exclaims, his voice raising as he becomes more distressed. " _Why would you do that, Ruth?_ "

I don't answer – or look at him. I _can't_. I don't know _how_ to explain. There are too many things I can't tell him. Instead, I silently tell him that I'm sorry.

" _Oh, come on, Ruth!_ This is getting _ridiculous_!" He continues when I don't respond. I get up to leave and he grabs my arm to stop me. " _Don't walk away when I'm talking to you!_ We have to _work_ together and this is just making it _awkward_!"

I _finally_ look at him. "Well, you won't have to worry about that for _much longer!_ " I snap. "I've applied for a transfer to St James" and with that I flounce out.

I have no idea how Jay _reacts_ to my revelation. I don't wait to find out and the next time I speak to him properly is a number of days later.

My friend, Amir collapses at his nieces wedding. He's recently had surgery – _surgery that I talked him into._ He needs to be kept calm, but at the reception, he gets into an argument with his son. I am also in attendance at the wedding and I do my very best for Amir, but later in the ED, he flat lines. It's _devastating_ and when Adam tells Jay to stop chest compressions, I instruct him to carry on – so he does. _Jay carries on for me._ But then Adam stops him. I yell hysterically and take over doing the chest compressions myself. Jay appears behind me. I'm so focused on Amir that I don't see Jay move from the other side of the bed, but suddenly his warm hands are on my arms holding them still and he whispers gently that it's time to stop.

I'm breathing heavily from the effort of the chest compressions, but when I get my breath back, I angrily shake him off. He gives a sharp intake of breath as my elbow makes contact with his ribs. I didn't _mean_ to hurt him, but that's what I do best, isn't it – hurt people. _And now I've let Amir die._

It's at the end of my shift when I talk to Jay properly. He knows that I blame myself for Amir's death and he comes to find me. I'm sat in the staff room again and I'm in a _bad_ place – a _really_ dark place. Friends are precious and someone like Jay has no shortage of them, but Amir was such a good friend to me – and he was one of the very few friends I had. His death has hit me hard – not least because I _should_ have saved him.

Apparently, Jay is _worried_ about me. "It'll be ok." He tells me.

" _No it won't_!" I snap. "It'll _never_ be ok!" In recent days, making eye contact with him has got a little easier an I look up at him now. "It's alright for _you,_ Jay – _everyone_ likes you! You have _so many_ friends. Amir was such a good friend to me – and he was the _only one_ I had. Losing him like that..." I sniff. "Now, I've got _no one_."

"You've got _me_ , Ruth." Jay answers softly. " _I'm your friend."_

Even _now,_ he's my friend.

"I thought you were leaving?" He adds.

"I didn't _get_ the transfer." I mutter, shrugging.

" _Why_ did you want to leave me?" Jay asks.

Not 'why did you want to leave?' but 'why did you want to leave _me_?'

"I couldn't work with you _knowing_ you hated me."

Jay sits down next to me on the sofa. "I don't hate you." He whispers. " _I really don't._ "

I lean my head on his shoulder. "No, I can see that now. - I don't know _why_ though"

"Why – what?"

"Why you're being so nice to me." I answer. "I don't _deserve_ it."

Things are much better at work after that – though still a bit awkward at times. I'm a little nervous because, although he said he's my _friend_ , I don't want to overstep the mark.

I _lose_ the rotation with Sarah Evans – after she tells me once again that my miscarriage was a _'good thing'._ I want to slap her when she says that, especially when she _shuns_ me straight after. It soon becomes clear to me that she has _no intention_ of giving me the rotation. She's stringing me along – giving me hope, only to dash it later – because really, she doesn't want _anything_ to do with me and she certainly doesn't want to _work_ with me. It makes me angry because she talked me into dumping Jay and _I'd do anything to take that back_.

Actually, I've been feeling angry a lot lately – I mean _really angry_. Sometimes I don't even know why.

I start thinking that things are finally settling down a bit when my brother suddenly turns up in the ED – I didn't know he was out of prison. _At first_ , I suspect it's money he's after – money for drugs, but eventually he persuades me that he's changed. I let him into my home and he enters my life like _poison in a wound_ – only to scarper with everything I have as I start to look forward to my first _'proper'_ familyChristmas. I _just_ wanted my brother to love me.

I'm back to square one after that – a lonely Christmas, _without_ the safety net I had from my hard-earned savings, but my knight in shining armour comes through for me – _again_. Jay and I get back together – but only briefly. I _stupidly_ decide to tell him about how I _nearly_ took the abortion pill – and how I dumped him because of Sarah Evans. My admission nearly _destroys him_ and we split up again. I hate the person who first said that honesty is the best policy – _they were wrong._

I don't _blame_ Jay for feeling angry and betrayed, but it feels like I've lost him all over again. It's not the _worst_ I've ever felt though – that comes a few weeks later. I struggle through day by day and I realise how much I _need_ Jay. I _finally_ work up the courage to tell him _how much_ I love him – but he's had enough and walks away.

 _It's a painful, devastating blow and I don't know how I manage to function after that._

Things do get better. We end up working on a trial together. I'm sceptical pretty much all the way through it – and I'm _right_ to be. It goes wrong and I realise that Jay is going to get the blame for it. He's their 'scapegoat', but I know 100% that it wasn't his fault, so I warn him. When he gets proved innocent, I can tell he appreciates that I was always on his side.

Though things are better with Jay, I know I will _never_ love anyone the way I love him – and he doesn't want me, so I need to focus on my job. I attend another formal event – and there I meet Edward – a fellow doctor. He tells me that he is attracted to me and it's not something I'm _used to_ _hearing_. I know I'm not pretty. Jay was different – he thought I was beautiful because for some reason, he _actually_ loved me.

Edward and I are both career-driven and being in a stable relationship with another doctor looks good on both our CVs, so I foolishly agree to marry him – _a man I barely know._ I'd rather marry Jay, but that's never going to happen. Any love he felt for me is long gone.

I know it's shallow, but I also believed that if I was Edward's wife, he would help me get the position that I have long since yearned for. That turned out to be one of the many ways he stabbed me in the back – it was a marriage of convenience for us _both_.

I didn't tell anyone about the wedding. It wasn't something I was proud of and I knew that no one would understand. I had to tell Adam, though – to get time off for it. Of course, he _'let it slip'_ to Jay, didn't he! Even so, it was the _last_ thing I expected when Jay raced to the registry office to stop me. He said that he loved me too – _the words I longed to hear._ They should have made me the _happiest woman alive_ , but they didn't – because he was too late and instead, he was distraught to find me _already_ married to Edward.

 _If only Jay had got to me half an hour earlier. Everything would have been different._


	3. Chapter 3

"How's married life?" Jay asks me casually one day in an attempt to keep things _friendly_ between us.

"I wouldn't know." I respond. "There's no warmth or intimacy of any kind whatsoever." I explain when he asks what I mean. "I don't know what I _expected_ when we both married for the job – and it's not that I really _want_ to be intimate with him – but that's how it's _supposed_ to be with husbands and wives, isn't it!"

I'm slightly surprised that Jay wants to have _this_ conversation with me given our history, but he's determined for us to remain friends – and for me as well, being friends with Jay is better than nothing. I don't love Edward and he doesn't love me, but now that we are married, a line has been drawn and _neither Jay or I will cross it._ My lack of intimacy with Edward still troubles me, but it's not long before I find out why.

It _starts_ with Edward's 'best mate' James coming over. They're all over each other. It's embarrassing and uncomfortable, because Edward is meant to be my _husband_. He _is_ my husband. Eventually, James announces that they are both gay and in a relationship. Edward laughs at my discomfort. After that, they openly show affection for each other when James comes over and whenever I get up to leave – usually excusing myself to do some reading, I get laughed at.

" _You could always join us._ " Edward suggests one day – I can't tell whether he serious or not but I personally find the idea awful.

" _We don't want her!"_ James sniggers back much to my relief – though it emphasises how unwanted I am. _It's not a new thing for me – being unwanted, but it still hurts._

I get kicked out into the spare room, because James spends most nights here. Maybe that's a good thing – I never liked lying next to Edward anyway. I kept turning over and expecting to see Jay – and at least I don't have to share with James or sleep in a bed where he been. I find that idea repulsive. Sometimes they go to bed early and I hear noises I don't want to hear.

I feel physically sick – most of the time, because I want nothing more than to be with the man I love, but as I said, there's a line and neither Jay or I will cross it. We both respect Edward as my husband, but _clearly he doesn't respect me as his wife._ I wish I could leave, but I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

When my brother ran off, he took everything. I couldn't have afforded to stay in my flat much longer than I did. That had nothing to do with _why_ I married Edward – actually I didn't work out _how_ badly off I was until _after_ I was married, but as it turned out, our nuptials saved me from being homeless. I can't afford anywhere else and I have no 'friends' that I can ask, so I'm stuck in this loveless marital home, listening to my husband and his boyfriend.

I know I'm not a good person – but _what did I do to deserve this?_ I know what married life is like now – it's mental torture. _Living hell._

It gets worse though. I like Polly – I always have. She's a nice girl, but then she starts dating Jay. I don't _want_ to be jealous – after all I was the one who got married and I don't deserve a man like Jay, but my marriage is so unhappy and I long for him so much that I struggle to cope with the idea of Jay being with Polly.

I find myself avoiding him again because it just hurts to much, seeing him with someone else and I'm so lonely. _Again_. I can see that my behaviour is hurting Jay – he wants to be friends, and actually so do I, but I can't. _I really can't._

His relationship with Polly doesn't last long and I feel awful – as if I somehow _caused_ their breakup.

Jay catches me outside on my break one day – about to light up.

He grabs the cigarette off me and throws it in the bin on the other side of him. _"What are you doing?"_ He demands. "You've always been _against_ smoking!"

"Well now I'm not." I snap irritably taking another out the packet and shoving it between my lips. He grabs it off me again. " _Give it back!_ " I almost explode at him.

" _No!_ " He grabs the packet off me so I can't replace it. He flings the packet and the cigarette in the bin. "I don't know _what's_ going on, Ruth – but that _isn't_ going to help."

" _Fine!_ " I retort, before storming back inside. I feel like a naughty school child whose been sent to the headmaster's office.

" _Please_ talk to me." Jay begs later, grabbing my arm as I go to leave work. He hesitates. "How are things? I _know_ you're not happy. Is...Edward ok?"

" _Oh, Edward's fine!_ " I mutter bitterly. "He's having the time of his life – _parading_ his boyfriend in front of me!"

Jay looks shocked.

"I'm sorry." I say. "I have to go home and make their dinner."

"Ruth, you know that you can _phone_ me any time, if you need to talk to someone – even in the middle of the night. _I'll always listen_." He tells me earnestly.

And so I do. It helps – it really does. Just to talk to him – to know he's on the other end listening and to hear his voice. He helps me – and in return, I offer him words of comfort when Polly is suddenly killed. Jay feels like it's a failing on his part. He realised she was in trouble, but didn't find her in time. He didn't love – or she him, but he did care about her. Jay cares about everyone. _That's the kind of man he is._

They're just innocent phone calls between friends but at first, I only talk to Jay discreetly in my room. Then it occurs to me that I'm showing my husband a courtesy he's _never_ shown me. After that, I take phone calls from Jay wherever I am in the house.

 _Apparently it's disrespectful._

I'm talking to Jay on the phone one evening when Edward starts yelling at me. James is at work so it's just the two of us and I'm _more than capable_ of holding my own in a shout-off, but as we yell at each other, there's a scuffle and the next thing I know, I'm falling backwards down the stairs.

It's cold, dark and wet when I wake up, and it takes me a few minutes to work out that I'm outside on the hard ground. It's pouring with rain and my head _throbs_. I manage to gingerly turn my head to one side and see my visibly distressed husband digging. I try to speak, but nothing comes out. My whole body aches – though nothing as much as my head. I must have banged it quite hard when I fell. _I'm cold, exhausted and my mind quickly fades to nothing._

I wake again to warm arms embracing me and a distraught voice yelling.

" _What are you doing? - She's still alive!_ " Then Jay's strong arms carry me into the warmth of the house.

I'd forgotten that I was on the phone to him when the row started. He must have heard me scream as I fell and raced over here to find a terrified Edward trying to bury his 'dead wife'. I think I was very lucky – Edward wouldn't hurt me, and falling down the stairs was an accident but I think he panicked.

" _What did you think you were doing?_ " Jay yells at Edward again. He wraps me in the throw off the sofa in an attempt to warm me up.

"She fell down the stairs – it was an accident!" Edward argues helplessly. " _She wasn't moving_!"

"You're supposed to be a bloody _doctor!_ " Jay retorts. "You should have _known_ she was still alive! - go and open the door for the ambulance." He barks.

"I-I-I _panicked_." my husband stammers getting up from the sofa.

This marriage will be the death of me – _I have to get out_.


End file.
